I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
