I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
