The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
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He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
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Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag