actually, I'm a sock model
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
