I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
