Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
