Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
