just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
do nipples grow back?
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