Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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