tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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