just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
