So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
