Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
