I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize