if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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