i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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