Even the bartender felt bad for me
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
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I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
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You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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