:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
