You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Mom said you looked used
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
