I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
my being single is dangerous.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
