I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
