This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We are all done wearing pants today
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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