i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
