Don't make out with my wife yet
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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