She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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