I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
