I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
