I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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