was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
