I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
