Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
