oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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