today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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