My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
