Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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