this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
