the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
