i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
i think my cat just said my name.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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