I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
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Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
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GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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