i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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