you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
