some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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