Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
