You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize