I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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