I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
