Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
