Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.