Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
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On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
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Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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