I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
