Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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