So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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