Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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