matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
