my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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