i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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