I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
