My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
